Raised under grey sky

The stench of guilt: the little book movie.

I was raised under grey sky, people would say it wasn’t necessarily bad but it was totally not fit for a growing child, honestly not fit for any age at all, I’m grateful it’s wasn’t raining because a lot of people had it worse.

so i thought I had this mindset.

I had a structure of how I lived and no one could make me bend my rules, i really don’t care, nobody knew how hard growing up was for me, as long as nobody died i really didn’t care, I must say I placed myself so high because I knew the values I possessed and I damn right know my worth.

oh I was stern, too stern.

8 weeks ago, I was at a drug store to get medication for the nasty toilet infection my lousy roommate susan had given me, I was so pissed at her, I didn’t want to see her or even accept her help getting the drugs for me, I was so put together for this, I’ve always been so “alert” with my hygiene.

I reached for the medication from the top shelf where it was placed but it was too high beyond my grasp,

“can I help with that?” I heard a voice beside me,

I turned to see the most basic yet fine looking young man.

Yes please, thank you, I answered with no hesitation.

I watched him as he reached and got it off the shelf without any stress.

Here you go, he said smiling as he handed it to me, which made me quite uncomfortable, I was ashamed and didn’t know when I blurted out those words, “it’s for my roommate, she erm, you know…….toilet infection, you know how all these public toilets can be…..”

Woah slow down, he said cutting me off, it’s fine, I mean it happens sometimes, that’s why there’re treatments right?

His soft spoken words made me feel calm and surprisingly safe to even tell him my life story.

Thank you, I said almost in a whisper as I smiled with relief.

He smiled back and stretched out his hand, I’m light, and you are?

Jita, I responded with no hesitation as I shook his hand

Nice to meet you jita, he said smiling still holding onto my hand

Likewise, I said as I awkwardly released my hand from his grip.

Oh sorry, he muttered

It’s fine, thank you for your help.

I left to pay for my item, as I approached the gate of the plaza, I heard someone calling out to me, I turned to see light running towards me, I turned to leave regardless, when he caught up to me.

Hey, I’m sorry to disturb you again jita, but can I please get your number?, I would really love to have lunch with you tomorrow, he said breathing a little heavier than normal.

No, I’m busy, I said with a straight face and walked out on him.

After that day, I silently regretted walking out on him, i really don’t know what I liked about him but there was something there, something really good about him, like a breath of fresh air. I lowkey prayed I ran into him again.

7 weeks back, I ran into him again, at the mini mart in my neighborhood, I recognized him immediately because I had not stop thinking about him after our first meeting, in my defense it was just one week ago and yes I was counting. I knew God had finally answered my little prayer. I watched him as he walked down each aisle, picking, reading and putting down stuffs, i didn’t have enough courage to walk up to him, but I knew I wasn’t going to let him walk out of the store without apologizing for my behavior last time and of course try to get his number or something, i had a plan, I walked toward and stopped right beside him and pretended to pick up stuffs from the same shelf he was shopping from.

“You know you don’t have to pretend to shop from same shelf”

I was startled, you…..you remember me? I stammered as I turned to face him

Yes, of course I do, jita.. he said with a smile playing on his lips as he turned to me.

How did you…?

How did i know it was you? He cuts in my question.

First of all you’re so bad at this spy thing and secondly i really couldn’t stop thinking about you after that day.

I stared at him, looking confused on what next to say, I must say he looked so good and did I mention, his scent was so heavenly, I snapped back to my senses.

Erm… light, I’m so sorry about my behavior the last time, i didn’t mean to.

You remembered my name, that’s a good start, he said smiling.

Why are you always smiling?, what’s so amusing?, I said with a little irritated tone.

Well, I have the option to smile or frown, plus you’re amusing and also, apology accepted.

I swear, I knew I was falling for this stranger from one week ago, I couldn’t even hold back my smile from his response.

Well, if your offer is still open, I would love to take you up on it, i said softly with a smile.

He smiled back and stared at me for a little while, yes the offer is still opened, he said in a soft tone, so I can have your number now? He added.

Sure! I responded with no hesitation.

5 weeks back, knowing this sweet sweet man, was like a prayer answered, your girl was indeed woven in love. After having lunch with him that day, I knew we would be inseparable, we spent two weeks hanging out, chatting, getting to know each other and of course swimming in the love pool of wonders. It was the honeymoon stage, I knew this stage, I was always reading books about romance and all that, there was no way I would have missed the mentions of it. I knew light loved me, I could feel it in my bones and yes he’s words had matched up with his actions. I loved me a soft dominant and honest man and he ticked all the boxes, this man was soft spoken, he was principled, he was the ONE! but there was ME with that one feeling.

4 weeks back, we started having minor issues, just what every relationship needed to flourish, right?, only that these issues was about ME, earlier that week we had gone to get his inhaler from the same drug store we had met weeks earlier, he had told me about his asthma and it didn’t really bother me, I loved him so much plus he didn’t even have lots of asthma attacks, according to him, he out grew the messy asthma attacks, he just wanted to maintain his healthy lifestyle with medications.

Why don’t you let me go to your house not even a visit, i mean you’ve been to my place, my work place, everyone in my life literally knows you, but I know very little about you, he said in a conversational manner, don’t you love me or even care about me? He added

Light stop, why would you even say that. of course I care about you. I responded as I sat up on the passenger’s sit of his car.

But you don’t love me, you haven’t even told me once.

Jita, I love you, I’ve told you, I’ve shown you, why don’t you just…….

I stared at him a little before responding, i…..i do care about you light, you wouldn’t understand if I told you. I said quietly.

He stared at me, reached for my hands and said softly, i understand, I love you, I will be patient okay, take as much time as you need I’m sorry I brought it up again.

I nodded with a faint smile.

(Breathes in) I was dying inside because I knew I was breaking this lovely man and he was always so supportive of me, every time I thought about light, I smiled unconsciously to myself, he was perfect!, even though I teased him with his little breathing setbacks, he took it as our inside joke, oh this man was funny and I mean hilariously funny, he would do anything just to make me feel good, he always said he loved how my eyes looked anytime I smiled, he was my breath of fresh air. If I gave him the chance he would have strapped me to his chest and never let me go, yes he was always there when I needed him, he seemed so good to be true and I knew I was getting to know another side me through him, he made me question the rules I had put up for myself so I never end up with someone like my father, those rules where cruel, I knew that.

Over the years I have carried baggages that I could have dropped and moved on with my life but I was just too scared, I was mentally, verbally and emotionally abused by the man I called my father, oh how I hated men, I hated seeing them breathe, I hated every single one of them, I loved love but only in books, I never believed in real life love, all applaud to my father, I grew up in a house where everything was present but nothing could be touched or used by us, I had one sibling, she was older, at 18 she moved out, she couldn’t bear it, i knew she loved me but she was young and she chose herself, I later heard she relocated to Finland with her husband, I was happy for her but I felt abandoned, it was like she disowned my father alongside me, we didn’t talk much about my mother when we lived with my father, we didn’t bring it up, my father would throw tantrums, cursing and swearing at us all day if we brought it up, I never got to see my mother, only my sister had a little memory of her, I didn’t get to see a picture even, no stories, no pictures, no nothing, I was shut out in the dark, everyday I blamed him for anything that could have happened to her, I wished he died a long time ago, he did die. But not before ruining me. I was cold, I was so cold and I didn’t want to break the ice. I was happy with how I lived until light broke that ice, I was mad at first but I loved this new feeling. How do I tell a sweet soul like light these dark side of my life and how I hated men, I would loose him for sure, I didn’t want that to happen, I wanted to stay with him forever, he made me warm. I would work on healing while we grew our relationship.

2 weeks back, light had planned lots of dates and events for us to attend to break this cold weather hovering around us, according to him, he was so cute but he was right, we argued so much for two weeks and I was honestly scared I’d loose him, but he stayed, he always chose me. These dates was back to back with little resting days, it was fun and interesting but I was exhausted and I knew light was exhausted but would never tell me, he just smiled every damn time, that was my problem with him, he doesn’t tell me anything that would stress me out even if it’s about him, but hm hm hm I kept falling and falling in love with this man, I was going to tell him how much I loved him finally and this time with words, I’d also plan a dinner date at my house, that would be the first time he’d visit, he never brought it up after that day, i kept imagining how much he would smile, but I couldn’t muster the strength for all that but of course I would.

I told myself every day for the next one week.

It was Tuesday morning of this week and I had received a text from light, “I want us to go somewhere, meet me at my place by 7pm baby” this man was finally going to kill me with love, I smiled as I wobbled up in my bed, I had taken this week off work, after all, my baking business was doing so well, I needed the break. you know your girl got there on time, it was adventure after adventure with my breath of fresh air, today was the day I told him about my life and also finally open up to this man that I love love love him.

Come in my love, he said as he opened the door with a smile.

I got into his house and leaned in for a hug, he smelt like he was dipped in cinnamon with fresh ocean water. He smelt so good.

Hi baby, I said with a smile

You look so good, I mean you always look good, he said in a sexy whisper as he arranged his glasses.

Thank you baby, I whispered back with a flirty voice.

So where are we going? I asked while taking my sit.

Oh I planned everything out baby don’t worry it’s a surprise, he glanced at me with a smile then turned to his phone.

he seemed a little disturbed and stressed out, but he would always change the topic if I asked.

Are you okay? I asked

He turned to me revealing his disappointed face, no baby i don’t think I’m okay, he said in a almost like whisper voice.

I got up immediately and walked toward him.

What’s the matter? I asked staring at his face, as if I was looking for the answers.

I….. I planned everything, I don’t know why I trusted Chu-Chu with the plans.. nobody is picking my calls. He stammered as he explained while rubbing his head slowly in a worrisome face.

Oh baby, it’s fine, look whatever you planned I know it would have looked nice and felt good, but as long as we’re together, I’m fine okay, i reassured him softly with a smile as I held his face.

He smiled back faintly in relief, I love you jita.

Oh how I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs saying I love you too, but I wasn’t ready I knew I wasn’t, I wanted to take things slow still.

We spent the whole of Tuesday night eating, talking and laughing with each other, we didn’t even know when it was 5 am Wednesday morning, of course we shared few kisses here and there while watching “me before you”, this man was respectful, he never wanted more than I could offer, he let me go at my pace, because he knew I had things I haven’t told him and didn’t want to rock any boat that was supposed to stay still. he turned to me after the movie ended, and said, “keep me grounded while I inspire you to fly” he smiled

I was left confused, what was this man on about, but I laughed it off. You always inspire me baby, I said.

He smiled back, do you know I love flowers,he said, throwing me off track.

Tulips, he added

I had ordered a giant bouquet for you yesterday but it never got here, he said

I looked at him a little puzzled,

Why? Can’t a man have a favorite flower? he asked smiling

no, no, I mean it’s rare, I’ve never heard a man saying he likes flowers, I locked eyes with him as I answered with a little smile playing by the side of my lips.

You amuse me, I added smiling from ear to ear.

oh your girl was in love.

This was the moment, i thought to myself, I held his hands and said, “light, there’s something I’ve always wanted you to know and I know it took long enough but I want… I,” as I spoke I contemplated in my mind, it was like i didn’t want hear or speak about my father, it gave me this bad stomach ache, it was like I was about to bring down my walls for someone that could move on from me any moment.

I couldn’t, nobody knows how hard it was for me to get over everything that had happened to me in the past.

Jita, baby, are you good? I heard him ask.

I’m good, I’m good, i should start going, I said gathering up my stuff.

What? you’re leaving? Just like that? You were about telling me something and you just decide not to anymore? He said in a disappointed voice.

I turned to look at him, honestly light I have to leave.

Jita, I figured your past must have been hard, I can’t say i understand but i really don’t want to be left in the dark, I want to know you, all of you, I love you. He said calmly

I could have sworn I whispered back “I love you too but low enough for him not to hear” I loved this man but he was a man, he could change I thought.

As I got up to leave, he stood up, looked at me and said, “you don’t love me jita, I try to understand that everyone needs time to trust another but you don’t love me, you don’t trust me, you never have” he said in the calmest yet stabbing voice

I glared at him, I was so irritated by his statement, I knew I was a slow burner but doubting my love for him?, oh I was pissed, I walked out on him and went home.

He had called me severally but i didn’t pick, his messages was left on seen too. I didn’t want to see him, I sent him just one message and went on about my day.

Throughout the remaining hours of Wednesday to Thursday we didn’t speak, I didn’t reach out and surprisingly he didn’t too, i thought about everything that day, I knew I was wrong, I knew I messed up, I knew I was so selfish and self centered, I didn’t even give him the chance he earned and deserved, I wanted to end this stupid quarrel I had escalated, I’ve missed him so much, he was literally my everything I had, my best friend, brother, father and of course the man I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I called him but he didn’t pick, I knew he was mad at me but this was new to me, he never missed my calls, i had to fix it, I got dressed up, I had gone to the mall to get him an apology gift. before leaving the the mall I got a message that left me feeling like I was stabbed 500times on my chest.

This was a dream right? It should be a dream.

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I got light his favorite flowers, only that…

Play for the moment.

(Nearer my God to thee playing)

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Light was dead.

he died that day, the day after he gave me 41 missed calls the morning after I left his house, the day he texted that he got me my favorite gummies, the day he asked for my home address, he texted all that from the same house I felt his love and warmth, the same house he died in.

he had called later that Wednesday afternoon, that was the last missed call I would ever get from light, the sun in my grey sky.

I can’t ………. I can’t, I can’t, move on, I don’t know how to, the clouds had sucked him in.

Jita… jita… I could hear my name faintly, Jita!

I snapped back, it was raining, I had been sitting on the floor beside his grave, while everyone left, the tulips were all drenched with water on my laps, I looked around to see who had called out my name but I was all alone, I knew I had to leave, it was getting dark and windy but I would be leaving my love there.

Light blessed me with the sun I needed in my grey sky and left.

Play for the moment

(Jacob and the stone playing)

Today was Sunday but it felt like i kept reliving Wednesday in my head.

I stood up in my weakest form with the little strength I could hold on to, as I walked along the path to the gate, all I could think about was his smile and beautiful eye’s hidden behind his glasses, I thought about what to do with all the love I had for him or where to put it, I thought about the what ifs, what if I had picked up his calls, what if I hadn’t hardened my heart, what if I told him I loved him earlier, what if I hadn’t gotten myself into the norms of the society of how i should place needs higher than others, what if I got him his favorite flowers earlier just to see his beautiful smile, he didn’t want to leave me alone but now he has no choice but to obey my last message to him “leave me alone, light”.

I walked out the gates with tears running down my face and rain pouring down on me, I felt like dirt, I hated my father so bad that I mirrored his ways and lost myself, I was nothing more than a stench of guilt, that was the last time I visited, that was the last time I called out his name, that was the last time I blamed my actions on how I was raised under grey skies.

Play for the moment.

(only by RYX playing)